When A Door Closes

We all know the saying "When a door closes, another one is opened." Now I don't pretend to have a harder, more difficult life than the next person, in fact, I would say my life is pretty dang good. I have been so blessed in so many ways. But the fact of the matter is, is that bad things happen to us. Heavenly Father has to let us have trials in our lives. From these we learn and grow and become stronger people. Without sorrow we would never know joy.

Apparently my trail in life is to see my loved ones suffer from cancer. Who knows, maybe one day I will have to battle the disease myself. Cancer is by far my least favorite word in any language. It is a disease that can strike even the youngest person. It apparently does not care about age, color, ethnicity, or how many children you have or are raising. It discriminates against nothing. It can take the most gentle of souls to the foulest. And we have to sit and watch, helpless to really do anything, while our loved ones go through endless amounts of chemo, radiation, surgeries, and the never ending supply of horse pills that must be taken daily, sometimes multiple times a day. We get to watch our moms lose all their hair, sometimes more than once, and our dads become weak and sick from the harsh treatments. Sometimes, we even have to sit by and watch as these people lose an organ or body part. Cancer has affected so many people I love it hurts my heart greatly to think about it. It has not only affected many people in my life but claimed the lives of 4 of my family members. My first experience with this cruel disease happened when I was in the 6th grade. My grandpa Bob was diagnosed with liver cancer and unfortunately it was quick to act and claimed his life. Next came the diagnosis of my mother's breast cancer the summer before I turned 10. My stepmom was not long after and also diagnosed with the same. Both were caught semi late in the game but my stepmother was the first to succumb to the long battle. Almost exactly a year later in the spring of 2008, my mother lost her fight to the disease. And now, I get to add the last mom to the list. It breaks my heart to write this, for so many reasons, but my mother-in-law passed away Sunday night, February 19, from her own battle with breast cancer. I just want to express that while I only knew her for two incredibly short years, of which we never lived close, I truly did love her and respect her for all she has done in her life. Cheryl, you raised an amazing son who has truly blessed my life and made me a better person. He talks about you all the time and how great of a hands-on-mom you were. I know he hopes I can be as great of a mother as you were to him. He tells me about the summer schools you held for him and his friends, the field trips you would take, how you made all of his clothes until he was 10? I think... and he still has every single scrap book you have ever made him. He tells me about how you shouldered the burden of being the new wife and mother to 3 teenagers (not an easy job!) after Lynn's first wife passed away. And he tells me about how you could make friends with everyone standing in a 10 ft radius of you. I loved how you always seemed to know everyone and their story. You were such a giving women and fabulous example to Ryan. Your love for people has left its mark on me and I hope that I can learn from you and share my love unconditionally to those around me. I will never forget the first time I met you and how nervous I was. I wanted you to like me so bad! I never imagined how much love you would give me from the second you saw me. I have never stopped feeling that love from you. Thank you for excepting me. And I'm sorry if I ever fell short of the love you deserved back. I am truly sorry I wasn't able to spend more time with you and get to know you even better. But I am even more sorry that I can't be there now to celebrate your life and mourn your passing with the rest of the family. I really would do anything to be there.

This is obviously where the part in the phrase about the door closing comes into play. But what about the second half? Another one always opens right? I am not in Utah right now because I am too far along in my pregnancy to travel. At 36 weeks pregnant, my doctor just didn't feel good about me going and told me I needed to stay here in Indiana. That was devastating news to me, but the time alone has given me a lot of time to think and find the silver linings in this situation. At first I was completely crushed. Crushed that I couldn't be there for Ryan (I feel like I'm abandoning him in a time of need) and crushed that my baby would never get the chance to meet her grandmas. Not one. I felt this to be a HUGE unfairness to all of us. But then I got to thinking and realized that not just this baby, but all of our kids are up in heaven right now getting to know their grandmas far better than if they had just met here on earth. I can just picture all three moms fighting over them! Ryan jokes about how his mom needed to get up there so she could undo all the bad habits my mom is teaching our kids (probably true...) I also have had the chance to learn more about faith and patience with the answers we receive to prayers. I have a strong testimony of prayers being answered. I have never felt that a prayer of mine hasn't been answered. I was praying that I would get the answer from my doctor that I needed to hear about traveling and sure enough he said no. I didn't like nor want that answer, but now I can't help but feel that maybe Heavenly Father answered my prayer through my doctor. It was just an answer I wasn't looking for. I will never know what would have happened if I had made the trip out there for the funeral, but I will just have the faith that Heavenly Father sees the big picture and is protecting this new life that is about to enter the world in a few short weeks. I have a strong testimony of the Plan of Salvation. I am so thankful that because of the choices I have made to be married in the temple, that one day, no matter what sickness or accident or whatever thing takes us from this life, we still get eternity together as a family.

Tomorrow is Cheryl's funeral and also my baby shower. How ironic right? At first I felt so wrong about going to a party when my family is going to a funeral. But then the phrase popped into my head. A door has closed on a beautiful life that will be remembered and celebrated tomorrow. At the exact same time, in a state across the country, we will also be celebrating a beautiful new life that will be arriving soon. We can't wait for this new door to be opened! Life is short whether you live a few short years or a hundred. Make the most of it and realize that when life gives you a trail, learn from it. Make yourself a better person. Remember the good and learn from the bad. We all have things that feel impossible to live with, but I know with the help of Heavenly Father and some good perspective, a silver lining can always be found. Just look for the open door.

"Promise me you'll always remember...
You're BRAVER than you believe,
and STRONGER than you seem,
and SMARTER than you think."-Christopher Robin to Pooh